Troubled Times

I'm struggling.

There! I've said it. Despite the countless times I've gritted my teeth and lied, spewing an "Everything's fine," or "I'm good..."

Life has never been simple or easy for me- but no, I'm not complaining! I'm grateful because it's made me who I am. Yet, all my life I've battled myself. No one else, just plain 'ol me. Time after time, I torment myself with past failures, mistakes, and choices. But more importantly- just for being Balie.

I regularly find myself asking, "Why me? Why can't I be like them? they have it so easy..."

But I know everyone battles these feelings in some form, and that it's okay and that it's natural, normal... Then why do I feel so absolutely ridiculous for feeling the same as everyone else?

I hide. I bury myself in things more appealing and with multiple facets- just so people cannot possibly see the storm lurking behind my facade. I feel as if I'm spinning and swirling and whirling, twisting and twirling into an entirely discordant substance.

No matter what I try to ignore, my grip on my "control" eventually slips. Then here I come, crashing down to the bottom of everything, where the confines of this dimension lay...

I don't want this to define me.
My struggles do NOT define me.
My tears are not symbols of weakness.
Everything has shaped me, molded me into the person I need to be.
I am worth it.

I just forget sometimes.


Author's note-
Others have gone through their own struggles with depression- if you're reading this, I ask you to leave a comment. It can be words of encouragement or a quote, possibly song lyrics- nothing particular. Just something I can read to see that there are people who relate, who care. My perception of reality is often distorted and I lose sight of the supports I have and it's sometimes difficult for me to believe that they do, in fact, wish great things for me.