Recently I've felt overwhelmed with responsibility.
I feel like I've been thrust into almost-adulthood too fast for me to understand what my part is supposed to be. I know I have a purpose, and I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but now-- now, I feel like maybe I'm supposed to do something else. I've set up my senior picture session, I've purchased a new (to me) car, and I've been looking into several colleges I find interest in; but other than that, I feel that I lack instruction.
Isn't someone supposed to teach you how to pay bills, go grocery shopping, manage a budget, and at least manage your time? I feel as if I've had to teach myself all of these things, and I have no idea if I'm doing them correctly. What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if I'll end up belly-up in the place that I dread the most, Ogallala, the rest of my life?
I feel like I've had to shift uncomfortably out of childhood into adulthood so quickly that I've lost my footing and feel like I'm falling into uncertainty... and that is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to end up like my parents: scraping by paycheck to paycheck, not having enough food, not having money for anything special-- and I know that life gets that way sometimes, because that has encompassed most of my life thus far-- but I just want to know that there is a way to succeed without eventually falling flat on your face in your own personal hell.
Because to me, that would be the last straw.
All of the strings inside me would break and then what would I have?
I just want to be a kid.
I feel like this is the inverted story of Big starring Tom Hanks.
I wish I could make time pass slowly, and relish in the anticipation of my future.
Isn't that what life's really about, the feeling in your stomach before you fall?
This quote from my favorite author's book Will Grayson, Will Grayson explains this quite nicely:
“Maybe tonight you're scared of falling, and maybe there's somebody
here or
somewhere else you're thinking about, worrying over, fretting
over, trying to
figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you're
gonna land, and I gotta
tell you, Friends, to stop thinking about the landing, because it's all about
falling.”
--John Green, Will Grayson^2
Do other people think about things like this?
What is life's purpose if we don't take time to matter? Like this quote from yet another John Green book:
"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something
remarkable?"
--John Green, An Abundance of Katherines
That is my ultimate fear, to end up with no progress whatsoever.
Is it irrational? Yes.
Is it rather dramatic? Probably.
To call it stupid? I don't think so.
I'm trying to prepare for my life by giving myself options, and letting myself have open-ended opportunities.
Is that such a bad thing?
“Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will …
But then again, if you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.”
--John Green
Balie-- I got married at 19 and no one taught us how to do anything like budget or go grocery shopping (or cook, even!) and I felt a little lost at first, but it isn't that hard once you get the hang of it... and learning it was kind of fun (imagine me, cross-legged on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out because I can't figure out my new can-opener. In my defense--it was kind of complicated). But now, I don't even cook with canned food anymore. If you want to do well and work at it, you will. And if you have questions along the way there are many of us "adults" who would be willing to answer questions or take you grocery shopping :). You will do great in the "adult" world, it's a lot easier than we make it out to be.
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