What Lies Ahead

What should I expect?
Should I expect anything at all?
Should I be excited?
Or should I be scared?

I haven't let myself think of these things all summer...
but I leave tomorrow.

I go to COLLEGE. Tomorrow.

Since when? When did this happen?! I remember my first day of kindergarten- I came home furious because my mom told me they were going to teach me to read... and on the first day they didn't! How rude! And now I'm going to COLLEGE? What? But I still feel like a little kid; playing with Billy, chasing Tara's cats around the house, making ramen noodles, and listening to oldies with my dad just cruising around town... it's as if it were yesterday.

Who am I fooling? That WAS yesterday!

As I finish packing up my things, I try not to think of the things I'm going to miss- the people I'm going to miss and the memories we made. I'm so fearful of losing my roots here, at home. I'm afraid to leave and have it not be the same when I come home- with the people who've supported and structured my life. The people who have made me who I am. I'm afraid that if I forget those people, then I forget who I am.

I've been asking God what to do- what choices should I make? What should I look out for? Who should I look out for? All my prayers are answered, I know, but it's hard to not worry about them when I can't see His plan. I know He has one, and I'm going to follow it the best I can. I pray He gives me the strength and patience to make it through.

Since my confirmation, (I'm a Lutheran now, if you didn't know) I'm finding it easier to avoid temptation and to follow God's instruction. My roommate is Lutheran too, it was FATE! Hopefully we will go together and I won't have to worry about going alone- though I know I never walk alone. I've made going to church a priority this last year, and I aim to keep it that way.

There's so many things to look forward to! So many experiences ahead, waiting for me. But that's the hard part...

waiting.

God be with you 'til we meet again,
Balie

Speechless

What if all we have ever wanted
           isn't hiding in some
secret and far away dream,
           but inside of us now
      as we breathe one another
  and find home in the way
    our arms always seem to fit
perfectly around the spaces
             between us?
 What if we are the answer
          and love was the question?
       What if all this time
it was us you were supposed
                  to find?
I am filled with wonderings,
     questions, and doubt
     but of one thing I am certain:
it will always be you
        that gives flight to the
    butterflies inside me,
    calm to the sea I have become,
 and hope to the darkness
           all around us.
       It is you and it has always
    been you...
you.
        You that soothes and excites
     and spreads joy like rainfall
  on the already damp earth;
You that pulled me from the longest
  sleep and kissed my tired eyelids
                awake.
       If life is a question mark,
               then you my love,
        are the proud and bold period
     that is typed with certainty.

          -Tyler Knott Gregson-

I'm baaaaaack

Why, hello my dearest blog.
It's been awhile.

Here's a list of things I've done since my last post:
- Graduated high school
- Enrolled in college
- Bought a laptop
- Read lots of books
- Became a show girl
- Written

Not very much has happened, but I've taken all this free time to let the change soak in, to relax, and think. I've been modifying some things to simplify my life-- a time for personal reflection and revelation, I suppose. I'm also using my time to practice instruments for college- hoping to be a member of some awesome collegiate ensembles. I can't wait! I'm literally too excited to think about it, because I just can't wait for summer to GET OVER so I can go to band camp and move into my dorm. I want OUT... But I'll wait. It's whatever. :)

I have started a series of short stories and plan to compile them into one big story when it's finished. I love writing, and I find great pleasure in creating stories and incorporating my little quirks and personality into the things I pen. It's liberating to put my thoughts and ideas onto paper... or a microsoft word document. ;) Same thing... right?

I've been to the library a few times, exchanging and checking out some of the new young adult novels that catch my eye. As well as re-reading a few of my favorite classic novels- Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, and To Kill a Mockingbird.

If anything especially monumental comes about, I'll be sure to update.

But until then:
Peace out, girl scouts. :)

10

People have always asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
And I never knew how to answer...
but now I do.

When I grow up, I want to be happy- I want to be so blissfully happy, that when others see me, they, too, are happy. I want to plant trees and flowers to give the world a little color. I want to live and not regret. I want to be infinite. I want to be limitless. I want to love until my heart explodes. But I know it won't, because that's the beauty of love: You can never have too much.

I want to have deep laugh lines forever etched in my skin; proof of my life well lived. I want to explore. I want to dream. I want to discover. I want to write a book about my life, because my story's far too interesting to never be told.

I want to blindly trust in God. I want to follow His word. I want to stay on the path He has chosen for me, because I know it's the best choice. Regardless of my stubbornness and doubt.

I want to never hold a grudge. I want to believe in shooting stars. I want to always be honest.

I want to tell my children someday about the silly things their grandpa used to do, because by the time I will want children I'm afraid my father will not be here to meet them.

I want to always give more than I get. I want to sing until my lungs give out. I want to make music every day, because music really does make the world go 'round.

I want to grow old with someone. I want to find someone who finds amusement in the little things, like I do. I want him to be kind and gentle. I want his laugh to resound through me, instantaneously resulting me to giggles. I want him to have an old soul, like mine. I want to see the world with him. I want him to read books, and me, as if I were one, so often that he'd never have to turn the page or even speak, because my eyes would tell him everything he wants to know. I want him to love Jesus more than he could ever love me. I want to be able to simply bide my time with him, never speaking. And I believe I'll find him someday.

I want to be unconditional. I want to teach. I want to live. I want to never be bored. I want to never stop dreaming. I want to leave my legacy. I want to be everything I ever dreamed I could be. I want to never stop learning.

I want to be me. But most of all: I want to be the best me I could possibly be.

Happy Poetry Appreciation Month!

At a Window
by Carl Sandburg

Give me hunger,
O you gods that sit and give
The world its orders.
Give me hunger, pain and want,
Shut me out with shame and failure
From your doors of gold and fame,
Give me your shabbiest, weariest hunger!

But leave me a little love,
A voice to speak to me in the day end,
A hand to touch me in the dark room
Breaking the long loneliness.
In the dusk of day-shapes
Blurring the sunset,
One little wandering, western star
Thrust out from the changing shores of shadow.

Let me go to the window,
Watch there the day-shapes of dusk
And wait and know the coming
Of a little love.

17

There are 17 total, entire, complete,
FINAL days left until I graduate.
Holy crow.
I can't wait!

25.5

Last night I posted a quasi-depressing post about how I don't belong. I posted it right before bed, when I was exhausted and upset, and I didn't really think about what I was saying at the time. So instead of deleting it, I'll elaborate now.

Though I am a friendly person who has plenty of friends- I have more fingers on one hand than I do genuine friends. The "friends" I once had only used me. I helped and loved, and trusted and admired others... and they wanted nothing to do with me. That takes a toll on a person's confidence, especially as an 11 year old girl. Again and again, I somehow "found" friends who, all the same, used me and bullied me, made me feel like nothing, and eventually broke me. I was in pieces.

Before I lost myself, I was the shyest girl; quiet, smart, curious, kind, thoughtful, the epitome of introvert... and though those things haven't really changed, in a way- they have. I'm still smart, curious, kind, and thoughtful. But in regards to "quiet," most would say that I am most definitely not. Yes, I have matured and my confidence has boosted quite substantially, but I'm still an introvert.

In middle school I didn't exist. I was bullied, my dad was sick, my sister jumped off the deep end, my mom was on this hardcore drug to quit smoking-- my life was a mess. In result, I became a mess. I had no positive influence in my life, I clung to things like music and books. I lived my life within the pages of a hundred novels and black and white ivories rather than face the disaster of my own life. I think I solved Edward and Bella's problems five million times...

Regardless, I remained invisible until my sophomore year. Between 7th grade and 10th grade I had done more damage than I ever thought possible. Eating disorders, near drug use, putting myself in downright dangerous situations... I didn't know which way was up. The fall of my 11th grade year was the lowest I've been. That was when I rebuilt myself. I had a funeral for myself. For the person I had been. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I pulled myself together and rebuilt from the ashes, the remaining pillars of personality which determine my identity. I dug deep inside to know which things were actually concrete: my name, my parents, my address, to sort through the nonsense I had been feeding myself: pretending to be someone I'm not, lying, avoiding my problems-- basic soul searching. In the end, I found myself. Since then I have remained faithful to my true identity (like a superhero...) and I haven't let negative influences in.

But like everyone, I have baggage- this is just a brief idea of mine, to make this relatable- and like everyone, it resurfaces every once in awhile. Right now mine is resurfacing. It may come as a final effect of senioritis, but I don't care, I don't like it. Today, I was irritably sensitive to almost everything anyone said. I hate being like that, because I'm the person who takes offense to hardly anything, and today I was the opposite. I think all of it is resurfacing because list of "lasts" are coming to an end. Over the weekend, I had my last high school musical. And as I mentioned in a post regarding trying to tie up loose ends, to get the most of the last few weeks, and frolicking down memory lane- memories are resurfacing, and with that, my previous life.

Last night I said this:
"I'm a wallflower. I'm invisible. I'm awkward. I'm alone. I work so damn hard to be recognized, but I'm still invisible. Now, people just know my name. My life is one big embarrassing moment. I don't belong anywhere."

I still believe this to be an accurate statement. I've just come to accept it as a part of who I am. I need to forget who I used to be and only see who I am today. I need to shut out other's opinions of me and trust that I know myself better than anyone. It's so hard to do, but I'm worth it.